I insisted on going home as soon as I could from the hospital. Nine hours of surgery, six blood transfusions and three days of incoherent state and one baby later, I went home. My newborn was healthy and ready to be discharged but I was not even awake until three days after the birth. With the pressure from the hospital to send my baby home but not even being able to make any coherent decision, my husband was in a tight spot. Trying to take care of me in the hospital, waiting for me to respond and being the only one there for our newborn, how could he be expected to spend his time now at home with the newborn and at the hospital waiting for me to come around. This was hard…unfair….a decision that should not have been made by a brand new father.
Source: New life…
Source: Teenage heartache
When it was time to now focus on getting my transgender daughter hormone blockers, there were hoops to be jumping through. And as her mom, I would jump through an infinity amount of them. I did my research, I joined discussion groups, I asked around on everything I needed to know about the hormone blockers for transgender youths. The first requirement was to see a therapist. I, as an adult, understand the reason behind the therapist approval is to check in with the youth and confirm that they are not “confused” or misunderstood. I, as a parent, hated that my child now has to be labeled with gender identity disorder. Disorder? Is it? Hardly…but as a parent, if I had to jump through the therapist hoop, I would. Luckily for me, I found the one therapist who specialized in transgender youths and she was fantastic. So I explained to my daughter that this was a formality, a means to an end, not something that was to define her, not a disorder to label, but just another hoop to jump through, a very necessary hoop in the transgender world. So we made an appointment to see the therapist.
Source: Broken heart…
Source: In the shadows?
So I already have a six year old step son in my eight year long relationship with my husband, not that hard to do the math. I wear this on my sleeve for everyone to see. We made it through, with rough waves and murky waters, but made it through none the less. When the first fidelity happened, because there was a child produced as a result, everyone had been in the know. Not just me to handle and grieve alone but now my children knew, my friends knew, my first husband and his wife knew, my parents knew and my older brothers knew. Not an easy sell to the family when you explain that you will now become a stepmom after two years into a relationship. But we made it through. Although I felt in my heart that my husband viewed our relationship different now that we were married, I would still asked….would you ever do that to me again now that we are married. His answer was always the same…”I would never do that to you, it’s different now that we’re married”. And so I thought. I trusted, I believed, I thought it was true. Strike two…I suffered in silence. Now with no baby as a result from the affair this time, no one needed to know, not my kids, not my friends, not my parents, definitely not my brothers…only me. Not sure if it was harder or easier to suffer in silence.
Source: My mama hood
I spend my life reassuring, comforting, confirming and providing security. I don’t go anywhere unaccounted for, I don’t have any hours untraceable, I don’t make trips unaccompanied. Where I am is always announced, how I spend each minute tracked, who I go with is planned. Only to make sure I create a security, build trust, relieve any doubt. Constantly reassuring, constantly explaining, constantly building security. Not because I was unfaithful, not because I lied, not because I betrayed, but because he did.
Source: The middle child…