Ignorance is bless but knowledge is power. Unfortunately I am not ignorant, yet very knowledgeable. How do I achieve bliss, how do I release some power. With power comes responsibility, with ignorance comes regret. As much as I would love to be ignorant, my past has given me too much power, too much knowledge. Trust comes from where, the ignorance of what could, would, or did happen. Or does trust come from the knowledge that you can trust honestly even with the knowledge of the past. I choose knowledge over ignorance. Trust through knowledge not through ignorance.
Not having any more than two sexual partners in my entire life, I may be old-fashioned. I have only slept with my first husband and then my second husband. Because of this, I can’t begin to fathom the intimate act of infidelity. I have only slept with someone I loved. I did not wait on marriage for sex but I did wait on love. Is this a rare occasion? Am I to take sex lightly simply because the man I love slept with another woman? How do I tell my heart that it meant nothing to him? How do I tell my mind that it’s more normal than not. The connection through the intimacy is something to be cherished and nurtured. I have been intimate with my husband after his affair but it took many years to not cry after, alone in the bathroom, wondering how and why he would connect with another on that level. Now I no longer cry but I hold back my heart. It hurts to do both. I only exchanged one vice for another.
So I already have a six year old step son in my eight year long relationship with my husband, not that hard to do the math. I wear this on my sleeve for everyone to see. We made it through, with rough waves and murky waters, but made it through none the less. When the first fidelity happened, because there was a child produced as a result, everyone had been in the know. Not just me to handle and grieve alone but now my children knew, my friends knew, my first husband and his wife knew, my parents knew and my older brothers knew. Not an easy sell to the family when you explain that you will now become a stepmom after two years into a relationship. But we made it through. Although I felt in my heart that my husband viewed our relationship different now that we were married, I would still asked….would you ever do that to me again now that we are married. His answer was always the same…”I would never do that to you, it’s different now that we’re married”. And so I thought. I trusted, I believed, I thought it was true. Strike two…I suffered in silence. Now with no baby as a result from the affair this time, no one needed to know, not my kids, not my friends, not my parents, definitely not my brothers…only me. Not sure if it was harder or easier to suffer in silence.
How do you respect a liar? Is he a liar or is he a man that lies? I used to think there was a difference…used to think it mattered if there was a difference. What do you look at, the intent of the lie, the degree of the lie, the longevity of the lie? And does it really matter? Is a white lie better? Isn’t a lie a lie?
As a person who does not make a habit of lying, I find myself unable to respect a liar. I don’t consider myself pious, but actually don’t have reasons to lie. A lie is a weakness in my opinion, an immature defense mechanism that adults use to mask their own weaknesses. I struggle with respecting the liar, I struggle with loving the liar. I struggle with forgiving the liar. Unfortunately the liar comes in the form of my husband.
I love love love kids! I started my family with four…then I had a stepson. This was not something I sign on for right off the bat. When I met my husband, he did not have kids, only I did. Then after a year of infidelity, I suddenly had a stepson. With bumps and bruises along the way, my new marriage had some hurdles, but they all seemed manageable. Staying through the infidelity, the new stepson and now court battle, tested my strength as a woman, as a mother, as a wife. I made it through, what I considered, the hard part, the birth. Watching my husband have a son, born to the woman he cheated on me with was hard. No other word but hard. Now came the work. Loving my husband every time he loved, cuddled, nurtured his newborn son. This was difficult, to say the least. I had envisioned this time with him, watching him with his first born (thinking it would be with me), letting it fill my heart. Now there are so many mixed emotions. I decided to stay, this was now my challenge to get through emotionally. This was hard.
Most say WWJD (what would Jesus do)…but what if you asked, “What would YOU do?”. What would the “old” you do? The YOU before you were hurt, the YOU before you were lied to, the YOU before you resented, the “old” YOU, the core YOU, the unbroken YOU. How would that you react, how would that you love, how would that you respond? The you who loved without hesitation, without anger, without hurt. Would it be refreshing? Would it be uplifting? Would it be carefree? Bring me happiness…bring me myself again.
My first four children did not have namesakes except my grandfather’s name for my son. But when I envisioned children with my new man…I wanted to honor him and give him a namesake…a junior…a second. Then he shared his middle name to the other woman who was to bore him his first born son. My heart was once again torn in two. No longer will our child in the future be a namesake, a junior, a second. I will never forget where I was and how I got the news when my boyfriend called to tell me he and “her” had found a name for their child. How much pain should I take? Is this something I can really love him through? Am I open enough? Am I strong enough? Time will tell, so until then I continue to love.
This is usually exciting news….unless it’s about your love’s unborn child. I won’t ever forget the call when my boyfriend found out that the other woman carrying his unborn child…his first born child…would be giving him a son. His first born son…my heart dropped. Trying to be happy for my love while taking a piece of my heart off the floor. Love without condition I told myself…love with acceptance…I reminded my heart…Am I strong enough? Can I do this? Only thing I can do is try.
Watching your man…the one you love…the one you envisioned giving his first born to…have a baby with another. Heartbreak, sadness, regret, anger, despair, confusion and love. Overwhelmed by emotion, having to give in to love. I had to watch my loved one be by the side of the woman he cheated on me with while she grew bigger each day with his first born baby inside her. I had to sit by while they attended birthing classes, baby showers, family functions, introducing the woman having his baby while the woman he loved sat at home alone. Was I strong to do this or was I a fool. I hope the first and not the later. Will my strength pay off? Will our love prevail through forgiveness? Time will tell…
I began my relationship with my current man, after my divorce, with four young children, ranging ages 3-9. Then after a long divorce, a new relationship, a year long affair of infidelity ending with my new man having his first born with another woman, I had a fifth child in my soon to be family. We had always spoken of marriage, we made it through the infidelity, and now somehow, I survived the birth of my man’s first born from another woman. I thought getting through the affair was difficult! Until you have seen your man, who you believed you would be the first to bore his first born, be by another woman’s side during pregnancy, birth, and after, which is something that no one should have to bear, you have not felt a pain in your heart like this one.