How many times do I need to be called a f**king selfish b*tch before it doesn’t matter? To be honest the first several times hurt like hell…then the next many times, you become numb to the cruel words. Name calling is done when an individual doesn’t have the tools to provide a better argument. Does that make it hurt less? No. Does that make it mean so little? No. Abuse is abuse in any form. How many times does it take before it hurts again. Hurt, numbness, hurt…that’s the pattern. I can let it go and numb myself to the words, knowing it is his own insecurity that allows him to be mean, but once an awhile it cuts to my core. When things have been good, it hurts more…it matters more. So how many times do I have to hear it before I don’t care anymore? I wish I knew…time will tell!
This may seem like a weird post to some…but my fifth baby was my first baby with my new husband…and I was a wreck. My first husband was ten years older, had been in my life since I was fifteen, together for eighteen years, two college degrees, four kids, two businesses, he’d been there for everything I had experienced in my life since I was fifteen. Now I was suppose to have a baby without him…how? I was nervous, I was sad, it was unnatural to not have him there. My new husband, who I do love dearly, is eight years younger, had his first baby with the woman he cheated on me with, missed the actual birth, wasn’t with the mother as a couple at all through the pregnancy or birth or postpartum. So this was essentially his first birthing experience. His ignorance was not reassuring but it was more than that…it was an unfamiliarity. I had never had a baby without my first husband, I had not been through any major event in my life, let alone a birth, without him. Even with our divorce, we were on good terms and he assisted me with the lawyer issues. We worked together through the end of the marriage. Now I was scared and giving birth, without him. It was a foreign concept to me. Even though it was my fifth, I become more afraid with each child birth experience. Not because anything ever went wrong but because of the pain, the knowledge, the knowing of what was to come. As they say, ignorance is bliss. Well, there was no ignorance in my fifth childbirth experience. So I went in with my new husband to give birth, and everything, literally almost everything with me went wrong after the birth…my new husband even ended up calling my first husband and his wife to come…full circle…
Married to my second husband, expecting a child (produced from my husband’s infidelity), regrouping from a separation and divorce from my first husband, getting back into the work field full force after losing both businesses in my divorce, rebuilding trust with my husband after infidelity, raising my four young children, homeschooling all four children, my youngest transitioning from boy to girl completely now, and changing my life as I knew it before…they say God only gives you what you can handle, I guess he thinks I can handle quite a bit. And I did, I persevered and come out stronger, wiser, more in tact than ever before…My character got me through, my strength pulled me through, my ability to overcome helped me handle the many curve balls thrown my way.
After a year of separation, a divorce pending, a relationship healed, my light at the end of the tunnel was shining through the long dark tunnel it had been at the end of for a year now. A small shimmer, a small flicker, a glimmer of light shining through for me at the end of my tunnel. A new beginning, a new home, a new job, a new situation, a new life path…my light had fought to shine through that tunnel for me. Then I asked my new love a question….too simple, too loaded, too naive. “Have you ever been unfaithful to me?”….the answer was one that would not only knock me to my core but diminish my light completely. It was not only a yes, but yes and she’s pregnant…light diminished.
Anyone who has been through separation or divorce can tell you, it’s not easy. Even when you are the one initiating the divorce or separation, it’s a chapter of your life closing, ending, finalizing. Even when no regrets are involved, happiness around the corner, divorce leaves a tear in your heart that cannot be filled, repaired or fixed. Maybe it’s not meant to be…maybe it’s adding character to your heart. When will there be a light at the end of the tunnel? When will the divorce settle itself down? It takes time but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, for everything!
Married with four kids, a business owner, husband ten years older, to being separated with four kids, closing my businesses and dating a man eight years younger…I had to re-adjust my life completely. Life as I knew it was now turned upside down. Strength was not even the word I could use to describe what I needed to pull together in order to get through this time in my life. So many adjustments, so many changes…a complete re-adjustment.
From the time I was told that my husband wanted a separation to six years down the road, I felt every emotion on the gament. Shock, surprise and disbelief were definitely my first strongest emotions. It hit me honestly out of no where. After the shock wore off, I felt mostly desperation, desperation to save my marriage, to keep my husband and fear of the unknown. This was my world, all I knew, all I wanted. That’s how strong and true my love was for my marriage, my husband, ever since I was fifteen. After that passed, I felt anger and hurt. I can’t tell you which one of those emotions prevailed more but definitely felt anger mixed with an unbelievable amount of hurt. How could he do this, where did it come from, why would he hurt me like this. I sat in the anger emotion long enough but realized it wasn’t getting me anywhere. So I moved onto to hope, change, and redirection. I can be what he is asking for, I can be “breezy”. So I rebuilt my life, my marriage, my family.
I self healed my heart as many of us do. I didn’t see a therapist, I didn’t talk to friends, I simply did what I needed to do to get through life to mend my broken heart all on my own, alone. Was this the best thing to do, I am not sure but it was what I did for me. So for the next four to five years, I mended my life and my heart to regain the life I knew before. I raised my kids, strenthened my marriage, relocated my family, reopened my business, and extended my family. I knew in the deep part of my soul that my heart would never be the same. Deep down, I knew. I wasn’t afraid to admit it and mentioned it a few times to my sister in law but it was what I needed to do to hold onto my family. I gave up everything for my husband, moved away from my parents and the city we lived in, gave up being close to my business, even gave away all my beloved animals. Was it worth it, hands down yes. I would do it all over again. I could not have fathomed separating from my husband at this time. Not where I was in my life, not for any reason. So with three-fourths of my heart, I moved forward.
We were revamping our marriage…or at least I was. My husband agreed to stay. So we stayed together and had our third little one, moved to a new city and started fresh. We had great things going on with his business, bought a beautiful house and had our third healthy child. Things were good, on the road to repair. I don’t regret a thing. I was young but not naive. I was hurt but strong and healing. Throughout the entire possible separation, I only told my sister in law and big brother…besides them I did not tell a soul, not even my best friend, not my mother, not my other brother, no one. I chose to struggle alone, it worked for me then and again, I don’t have regrets.
To be perfectly honest I have never felt lost in my life…never had to “find” myself. This possible divorce left me lost…desperately lost. Unfortunately something that is worse than being lost is being lost with kids. I had to still to be myself because of the two precious girls I had along with the little one I was carrying. Alone emotionally…confused, angry, and lost. I had to still be myself…how difficult that was…my heart was physically aching. I had never experienced a physical pain in my heart until then. And not even since then either!