She’s a gem…

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My current husband, boyfriend at the time, cheated on me with gem of a woman…and that is with every ounce of sarcasm I can muster. Every interaction I have with her, I think…are you the only dumb ass who thought she was fun…thought she was cute…thought she was smart??? She is none of those things and I forever am dealing with this gem of a woman.

She is my step son’s mom and I have to have this woman be a part of my life…this gem of a woman, day in and day out. Why her? She is not cute, she is not fun, she is not nice and she is not smart. But what she was was convenient. Her friends and his friends were convenient. Let me tell you how much fun convenient can be…down the road…custody battles, email attacks, verbal insults. Beware of fun gentleman, beware of convenient. It will turn out to be a gem of a woman.

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April 7th

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It’s been eleven years…eleven years since the day I innocently asked my boyfriend at the time, my husband today, if he would ever cheat on me. What was originally meant as a hypothetical, to be quickly answered with a kiss to my forehead, turned into what become our inevitable truth. Not anymore, not anymore…. not anymore he says…NOT ANYMORE??? My heart sank, crushed inside my chest and sank further. Except that it’s still going on. Still going on? I foolishly asked…yes, he says because she’s pregnant. My world spun…spiraling down.

This world of feminism

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I have raised three girls, three strong willed, independent, forward thinking girls who are now entering the world as women. I did not set out to make them feminist but they have evolved in their own right to be leaders of their gender. There is something powerful in the strength that these three girls display, a silent truth that is owned not borrowed in their being. I have to say, I am proud.

Trusting me…

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It occurred to me that he didn’t stop loving who I am. What changed was not me or my personality but rather who he fell in love.

He fell in love with the “trusting” me…the “loving blind” me…the “bright eyed hopeful” me, not the woman I became, not the woman he trained me to be after years of dishonesty.

He fell in love with a woman who loved with her whole heart, no questions asked, one that only saw the good in him. How am I to love like that again? How can he expect to alter the trusting version of me just to want her to love again.

Drowning in anxiety…

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I am drowning in anxiety but not of my own. I have a husband struggling with depression, a daughter with anxiety over dying, a stepmom to my kids battling general anxiety everyday and a child suffering from a drug induced anxiety.

It’s everywhere I turn…spouse, daughter, friend, child…all corners of my life I am given another puzzle to solve, another person to comfort. And I do it willing and lovingly in every way of my being.

So each day I give a piece of my strength to one of my loved ones. Offering them a soft place to fall so they can find their feet again. Even if it’s just for a minute, hour, day or weeks. I keep a part of my strength for me so I can offer it to the next loved one that calls in need, during their next anxiety attack. Always giving, always ready and always strong.

Why now?

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Tell me…why now? Why now do you pledge your love, why now will you be faithful, why now is it only me you want, why now can you see the value in my love? I was here before, with the same love, as the same woman, doing the same things but now you say you see the worth in our marriage? Why now should I trust that, why now should I believe you, why now should I need to be the one to help you repair your broken actions? You should be asking why now am I willing to stay, why now will I give you a second chance, why now will this marriage be saved. Humble yourself and ask me why now…

Life sentence…

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Don’t make this a life sentence, he says. Don’t make yourself the victim, he says. You have no reason not to trust me, he says.

This is an open wound not a life sentence for him. He should take part in closing and healing the wound since he was the cause of it.

I won’t be the victim if he stopped making me one by the lying and cheating. I am not a victim by choice but rather by circumstance.

No reason not to trust him? Trust is precious and fragile. Like a piece of glass to be handled with care. If shattered, there no longer remains a piece of glass.

A new one has to be created, formed from new experiences, new habits, new patterns. Repair of the old glass will forever be flawed.

Help me make a new piece of glass, together, without pain and hurt. One that will free me of my life sentence.

Living on the edge…

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Everyday I live on the edge…giving my heart, my love, my self just to be kept on the ledge, in the gray, near the edge. This edge keeps me from going back to my love, back to the beginning, before the betrayal, before the hurt, before the edge. This edge will stop me from going forward, with my love, for my self. He feeds the edge, fosters the edge and even creates the edge. I feel forever like I am living on the edge.