The man I fell in love with…

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All these years later, are you the man I fell in love with but have just lost who you are? Or did I fall in love with the image of a man that you put forth? I fell so desperately head over heels for you… So completely, so unconditionally. Did I find a good man that was true to his word or did I find a man who struggles with his own moral compass?

Lapse in judgement is what we chauked it up to be but I am wondering if it stems deeper.

Are you insecure? Are you unhappy? Are you unsatisfied? Or are you a liar? Were these behaviors a reflection of your character or an imperfection in your decision.

Irregardless… The pain is the same. Irregardless… The confusion is equivalent. Irregardless… The damage is extensive. So why ask? Why understand?

I am wanting to know so instead of spending a lifetime of looking over shoulder with you, I began picking up the pieces without you.

Or do I forgive? Or do I love without regard? Or do I stay with the strength needed to heal with you?

Tell me…

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Tell me about when you first saw me… Was it my smile? Was it my legs? Was it my energy? That attracted you? That caught your eye? That made you want forever?

Tell me about when you fell in love… Was it immediate? Was it gradual? Was it one specific moment? Was it a tiny million things?

Tell me about our first kiss… Did it take your breath away? Did it leave you wanting more? Did it feel like home?

Tell me about what made you want to propose… Was it true love? Was it a sense of belonging? Was it out of commitment?

Tell me about when I almost died bringing our child into this world…Did your world collapse? Did you question tomorrow? Did you drop to your knees and pray? Did you promise me gratitude?

Tell me about when you first laid with her… Did you remove your wedding band? Did you think of me? Did you make promises? Did you regret?

Tell me about when I left…

One love?

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Do we only truly get one love?

One true love?

Where you feel you are coming home to the other half of your soul?

Is it possible to have that twice in a lifetime?

When we love does our love evolve? Can we fall as hard as we did the first time we loved or do we love twice as hard the second time around?

I fell in love twice, head over heels both times. Both times completely different but head over heels nonetheless. But did I fall in love only to find out you truly do only get one great love or did I fool my heart into loving greatly each time?

Good Enough?

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Is he capable?

Is good enough, good enough?

I was once asked if my husband, after infidelity, betrayal and verbal abuse, could even be capable of being what I need in this marriage. I didn’t have an answer. Is he? Can he? Can I?

Is he capable of being a strong, honest man that I need as a husband?

Can he even be the man I feel he can be to heal the betrayal?

Can I stay? Can I forgive? Can I be whole with him in my marriage?

I still don’t have the answer.

My girls…

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Twelve years ago, I decided to stay…stay after a year of infidelity and stay after welcoming a child from the affair into my life. Stay and forgive…

Have I modeled strength for my girls, have I modeled forgiveness for my girls, have I modeled acceptance for my girls, have I modeled relisence for my girls? Or has my message that was once believed positive now come back as a negative to the young women I have raised? Will my grown women now resent that I stayed? Interpret my staying as a weakness rather than a strength? View my acceptance and defeat? I hope not but I am beginning to wonder. What will they take away from my unconditional love for the man I married? It’s easier to stay since he was so good to them…have I made the right decision? Discussion to be had!

My bar has been raised…

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I love unconditionally…which I thought, at first, was common, typical, the norm…but I have learned over time that I am not the norm. You have all my love, until you don’t. And then you have none.

Saying that though, I have to admit that although I love unconditionally, my bar for expectations of love has the ability to move. A sliding scale, that can be raised or lowered depending on my interactions and experiences with you.

Loving my husband comes easy and I don’t expect much in return outside of love and respect back. Yet after going through hurt, lies and an affair…it is no longer enough to just be loved. I need to be loved with greatness, fullness, and wholeness. After another infidelity, it is no longer enough to be loved with greatness, fullness, and wholeness…my bar has raised…after another infidelity, your love alone is not enough. I need to feel like your priority, I need to feel your appreciation, your willingness to be selfless. With the last infidelity, I have to ask myself, is your remorse enough? Is your apology enough? Is your openness enough? And I have to say no…. Not alone, it is not enough.

My bar has been raised. I know now I need your remorse, your apology, your honesty, your surrender, your appreciation, your thoughtfulness, your patience, your kindness, your selflessness, your giving, your love and so much more. My bar has been raised.

How do I tell my daughter?

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In a nutshell, today the government announced a bill that will allow doctors to reject the healthcare of a transgender individual who is effected by covid-19. My sweet, beautiful, talented, smart, God-loving, kind seventeen year old is affected by this announcement. Today, she was dehumanized. This is heartbreaking as a parent, this is devastating as a individual, and this is infuriating as a human. Today, my child was put in a category of being less human, less important or not important at all as a valued living being. How do I handle this, how do I reassure her, how do I convince her and find the words to humanize her again? I am enraged. I hope that my unconditional love for her will prevail and be her internal voice. I hope my unwavering support and undying appreciation for all she is will override all that this bill represents. Today is a sad day beyond words.

Loving a Broken Man

What does it feel like to love a broken man… Exhausting… What does it take to love a broken man… Pain staking patience…What does it do to your soul to love a broken man… Fill it with uncertainty… What does it bring to your life to love a broken man… A lifetime of loving harder than your ever thought you could love.

Love beyond lies

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Am I capable of loving beyond the lies? Day after day it’s getting harder to feel this…to love beyond the lies, to look past the betrayal. No matter how small…a lie is a lie. The bigger lies set the stage for the white lies…keeping the wrong in the forefront of everything. Can I forgive? Should i forgive? They say forgiveness is for me…but maybe it’s not. Maybe the choice to forgive is for me. It’s where I have the power. The power to counteract the lie. The power in deciding if this lie is enough. The power to love beyond the lies or walk away.