So after some self healing and emotional repair…our marriage was, for the most part, back on track. The children were growing, I reopened my own business in our new city, as did my husband, and we bought a house. After living in a trailer for 10 years, a brand new spanking house was amazing. We drove straight from the hospital after having our third child (our first boy) to our new house. Things were good. Not 100% secure but definitely back on track. So a year or so later, when my oldest said that since her and her sister always fight over who gets to dance with their brother that they clearly need another sibling. So of course what we did as any other crazy parents would do was had another. Baby number four!
I did my best to repair the damage done to my heart. I had alot of emotions and all very real. After the shock, sadness, anger and hurt settled…I was able to find contentment. It wasn’t an unhappiness that I felt or even an emptiness but rather some what of a numbness. I lived life, loved my husband, raised my family but had one part of my heart that remained numb. Not in a sad depressing lonely way but more of slightly unfulfilled way. I didn’t feel resentment towards my husband at all for wanting a separation but I also wasn’t able to fill the last little corner of my heart completely with love for him anymore. The love for him was there, but my heart could no longer be completely filled with love. This later will be the catalyst to our marriage ending.
From the time I was told that my husband wanted a separation to six years down the road, I felt every emotion on the gament. Shock, surprise and disbelief were definitely my first strongest emotions. It hit me honestly out of no where. After the shock wore off, I felt mostly desperation, desperation to save my marriage, to keep my husband and fear of the unknown. This was my world, all I knew, all I wanted. That’s how strong and true my love was for my marriage, my husband, ever since I was fifteen. After that passed, I felt anger and hurt. I can’t tell you which one of those emotions prevailed more but definitely felt anger mixed with an unbelievable amount of hurt. How could he do this, where did it come from, why would he hurt me like this. I sat in the anger emotion long enough but realized it wasn’t getting me anywhere. So I moved onto to hope, change, and redirection. I can be what he is asking for, I can be “breezy”. So I rebuilt my life, my marriage, my family.
I self healed my heart as many of us do. I didn’t see a therapist, I didn’t talk to friends, I simply did what I needed to do to get through life to mend my broken heart all on my own, alone. Was this the best thing to do, I am not sure but it was what I did for me. So for the next four to five years, I mended my life and my heart to regain the life I knew before. I raised my kids, strenthened my marriage, relocated my family, reopened my business, and extended my family. I knew in the deep part of my soul that my heart would never be the same. Deep down, I knew. I wasn’t afraid to admit it and mentioned it a few times to my sister in law but it was what I needed to do to hold onto my family. I gave up everything for my husband, moved away from my parents and the city we lived in, gave up being close to my business, even gave away all my beloved animals. Was it worth it, hands down yes. I would do it all over again. I could not have fathomed separating from my husband at this time. Not where I was in my life, not for any reason. So with three-fourths of my heart, I moved forward.
We were revamping our marriage…or at least I was. My husband agreed to stay. So we stayed together and had our third little one, moved to a new city and started fresh. We had great things going on with his business, bought a beautiful house and had our third healthy child. Things were good, on the road to repair. I don’t regret a thing. I was young but not naive. I was hurt but strong and healing. Throughout the entire possible separation, I only told my sister in law and big brother…besides them I did not tell a soul, not even my best friend, not my mother, not my other brother, no one. I chose to struggle alone, it worked for me then and again, I don’t have regrets.
Once I committed to save my marriage, with or without my husband’s help, I had to change my demeanor. As in the “Friends” episode where Monica took on a new “breezy” attitude…I too…attempted to maintain a “breezy” demeanor. It’s not exactly in me to be breezy…but what the hell…I will give it a try. All I had to do was give up anything I would have been upset about, complained about, not ask any questions, don’t have a bad response or feeling and put a smile on my face. Not a problem, right. So it’s exactly what I did. No calls at work, don’t ask if he’ll be home for dinner, be happy and cheerful when he says he has to work or be out of town. Sounds simple, right? So I did! And believe it or not, he stayed. My husband in no way shape or form was cheating or even wanting to leave 100% but rather trying to find his way as a business owner, new father, and husband. So he wanted free reign to be all those things…wanted the successful business but the happy family as well. I don’t blame him or fault him. What I did was gave it to him.
After facing a possible separation from my high school love, my husband…I had to regroup. Regrouping when you have children isn’t quite the same as regrouping alone. I had to restructure not only who I was but how I lived. I would have given my right arm to have him stay. Whatever it would take, I was wiling to do. I don’t say this lightly and I DEFINITELY don’t say that out of weakness. Please never mistake my agreeance and willingness to save my marriage as weakness. In turn honestly it was ssomething that took incredible strength and inner acceptance. I dug deep, cried alot and fought for my marriage.