I began my relationship with my current man, after my divorce, with four young children, ranging ages 3-9. Then after a long divorce, a new relationship, a year long affair of infidelity ending with my new man having his first born with another woman, I had a fifth child in my soon to be family. We had always spoken of marriage, we made it through the infidelity, and now somehow, I survived the birth of my man’s first born from another woman. I thought getting through the affair was difficult! Until you have seen your man, who you believed you would be the first to bore his first born, be by another woman’s side during pregnancy, birth, and after, which is something that no one should have to bear, you have not felt a pain in your heart like this one.
Be the constant…be the one that is the same…the one does not change. I am not expected to be the variable in my marriage…I am expected to be the constant. I am the solid, the backbone, non-changing, dependable factor to my husband. When your spouse is broken, you are expected to not “fix” them but to be their constant. This is usually pretty easy for me. I am strong, I am whole, I am not broken. Yet, never being the variable can be exhausting. I have no emotions that are allowed to alter, no emotions allowed to upset me, no emotions allowed that show hurt. I am to be the constant. I am tired.
What’s harder to handle, the emotional affair or the physical? To be honest, the emotional is hard, extremely hard for me to understand. I hate the physical nature of infidelity! I don’t understand how you can lie with someone else once you have given your vow to another…to let another woman touch you so intimately, how can you feel no remorse in the moment. Why would you think that is ok? How do you face your loved one after doing this? I can’t comprehend this in any way. But the emotional part of infidelity is almost unbearable. Which do I spend more time upset about? Which do I spend more time healing? My heart is tore in different places because of both. Trying to heal the emotional tear and trying to mend the physical hole is sometimes too much for one heart to bear.
Sometimes it seems unfair to be the strong woman…it is assumed that with our strength, we are able to handle everything, therefore no one being there for us. Sometimes, we just need to lean on someone else to rebuild our strength. More times than not, we do not get that chance. Strength comes with responsibility, sometimes I think being weaker would be easier. Strength gives you no break…no reprise…no chance to catch your breath. I am a strong woman for husband, my children and myself…I am strong yet at times exhausted from my strength.